Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Desire

had some complicated thoughts leading to this. Perhaps I may re-write/edit a shortened version later. Til then, enjoy this in all its splendor.

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I know myself and I know I’m not going to stop desiring women, at least not in the foreseeable future…

Why?

I’ve given that question some thought and I’ve come to some semi-answers:

It’s not because I’m not getting laid enough
It’s not because I’m not being sexually satisfied
It’s not because I have no self control
It’s not for some insidious egotistical need
It’s not because my past or present relationships suck

It’s just BECAUSE

It’s desire for desire’s sake.

It seems like it’s just the sheer novelty of it.

I desire new flavors, or different flavors.

I’ve explored this feeling extensively and will continue to do so, and I’ve thus far come to the conclusion that there is absolutely nothing wrong with my desire; it’s entirely legitimate and comes from an untainted place of honesty, appreciation and sexuality.

My thought process is like this… I see girl, girl is cute, girl is hot, girl is sexy, I desire girl, end of story.

Then later my self-regulating thought processes come in and gauge the consequences given the context of the situation:

Who is she here with, what are the logistics, who knows this girl, is this someone’s girlfriend, is this someone’s romantic interest, if so who are those people, who knows me here, who am I here with, what am I doing after this, what is she doing after this, is there someone here whom I desire more, could she possibly be crazy… etc.

Depending upon the answers to those questions and their relative importance to me and my other goals, I may or may not decide to pursue grand adventures with this damsel of desire (or multiple damsels if a ménage a trios is appropriate).

The thing is… this has NOTHING to do with my existing relationships, other than how they may relate to those secondary, self-regulating questions. What are my goals with those existing relationships?

To be a giver and not a taker. To be open to learn. To be appreciative and understanding, honest and uninhibited, friendly and charming, down to earth, flattering, trustworthy, generous, and receptive – and to encourage and inspire others to be the same.

All of these things are on my list. To know me is to know my list, because that is who I am.

I’ve been fortunate and blessed enough to have had some awesome relationships, both fulfilling and satisfying.

Yet still, despite my satisfaction with my fulfilling relationships, my desire remained.

Sure, I fought it off many a time and was always victorious for a while, but it always came back.

In fact, it never left.

Can a woman ever believe that? Can she ever believe that my desire can be 100% independent of my relationship with her?

For that to happen she’d have to have some serious security in our relationship.

Moreover, she’d have to really truly TRUST me that I am what I say I am: appreciative, honest, uninhibited, trustworthy, unafraid to be myself and unafraid to be expressive.

Because what that translates to is that I fully appreciate her and our connection, and that any wavering in that appreciation will be communicated honestly and uninhibited without hesitation.

Appreciation is important and needs to be clarified – and this is a realization I had a while back that I don’t think I’ve revealed to the public yet.

It’s based on a very simple principle I’ve learned from my thousands of interactions with various people, and here it is:

All anyone wants in this world is to understood/valued/appreciated.

It’s that combination of those three words that’s important: understood/valued/appreciated.

You can understand someone without seeing their value, and thus they’re left wonting, feeling worthless. Likewise you can value someone despite having zero understanding of them, i.e. people valued Van Gogh but none understood him.

What is appreciation?

Appreciation kind of captures both understanding and valuing, in fact one could say that appreciation is obtaining a deeper understanding of the value. The thing about appreciation is that it allows for growth – you can always understand deeper and value more, thusly growing in appreciation.

Here’s the zinger, this was a line of thinking that led me to a startling conclusion that was very eye opening which totally changed the way I look at the world.

How do people FEEL when others understand/value/appreciate them?

What is the FEELING associated with it?

The feeling is like this complex mixture of more security with your insecurities, feeling like your WORTH something to someone and to the world, feeling optimistic, more relaxed, more confident, more capable, more comfortable being you…

When I look at feelings to figure out what causes them I simply look at other times when I’ve felt the same feeling and figure out what’s going on.

Try that: think of a time where you felt really understood/valued/appreciated, look at that feeling and think of other times where you felt like that. You will naturally come to the only conclusion that makes sense, the one word that can be used to describe that feeling:

Love.

It’s so SIMPLE.

Now substitute that into the previous equation and you’ll realize that this is exactly what it is:

All anyone wants in this world is to be loved.

PERIOD.

You might want to marinate on that one for a while… I know I did.

Anyway, back to the lecture at hand: in order for a woman to understand that my desire for other women has nothing to do with her or our relationship, she has to trust that I fully appreciate and value her and our connection (I don’t like throwing around the L-word too much, people just don’t understand), and that I’m going to be honest and uninhibited in being myself and expressing my self such that if I’m having trouble appreciating something about her or our connection I will let her know so we can work on it.

I read a book which I will highly recommend to you called “The Threesome Handbook” by Vicky Vantoch.

What I learned most from this book (in addition to some creative sexual positions) is that the magic formula for successful polyamorous relationships is trust, communication, and boundaries.

I’ll go ahead and add another one to that: growth.

I’ve long since given up pursuing deeper relationships with women who are unwilling to grow.

But don’t write these people off – I activate the inspiring/encouraging part of myself to hopefully motivate them to see that they can be and do anything they want in this world – I just try to remain a source of positivity and encouragement, and so should you.

If you’re unwilling to work on things, to explore, to learn – to GROW, then you’re stuck in a stagnant place where possibility passes you by like a beggar with a sign and a cup watching traffic.

Trust, communication and boundaries are worthless without growth.

Push your limits, communicate honestly your understanding/value/appreciation, trust your partner to do the same, and be willing to explore/learn/GROW.

And in the end what does this all mean for me next time I’m out and I spy with my little eye a delightful vixen?

Perhaps I should walk right up to anyone who’s feelings might potentially be hurt by interpreting my actions as an insult to that understanding/value/appreciation of her and our connection, pull her close to me and say to her, “Hey, I want you to know how much I understand/value/appreciate you and the connection we have. That girl over there is sexy as hell to me right now and I want to go see what she feels like. Do you want to come? If not, you can rest assured that what you and I have won’t change, unless of course she does some trick that I’ll teach you, in which case it’ll only change for the better.”

Frankly I don’t know how anyone could say no to that.

Cheers,
JDanger

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